February, 2019

I write this in hopes that doing so may help me organize my thoughts and further my understanding of myself.

I am a ward. However, I do not remember anything of my previous life. I do not even remember what a ward is, I only know that I have an innate feeling and need to protect Lenore. There is a connection between us, but again, it's one I do not understand. I also think that I am developing an attraction for Lenore, but that's something else.

Now, since I do not remember my life, since I do not even know where I come from, what my desires were, etc., it has come to be that my very existence is defined by the only people that know me, the only ones who remember. The only way I may come to know anything about myself is through James and Lenore primarily, but also through Donegail and others like him. Even our enemies, the ones that know the whole story, even they are important as a source of knowledge, as ties to the past. People say I have no soul, that I am a machine, and there are times when I feel like that too. It is difficult to know how to act or what to do when you do not know who you are. Having thought on this, it is becoming clear that my goals have to be to protect the only people through whom I exist. The type of desire I have to safeguard Lenore is extending to James and to my allies. I am sure that I will never have the same level of hunger to protect them as I do with Lenore, but on the other hand, they are becoming more than just associates. I am responsible for them.

To accomplish this, I must gain more power, though in what form, I am not sure. I feel that my physical combat skills are quite good, and even though there is always room for more improvement, other types of power are required to combat the people that stand against us. We are constantly under attack to the point that I feel I must every moment be on full alert. There must be a way to gain enough power to earn even a moment's peace. I will explore what options become available to me.

It is difficult to admit your own fears, but I must be honest with myself. My greatest fear is failure. I hope that when I discover my past, I will not find out that I failed then too, though judging by recent events, I dread I may have failed then too. I have already failed to protect Lenore and James, though things have worked out in the end. Lenore was kidnapped once. James was almost killed by Hector numerous times. In fact, almost every time I stand up against Hector, I lose, and it comes to someone else to end up saving us all. I must not let this happen again. I am not sure if this is obsession, but I care not. I must learn how to protect them better. A strange man in a blue suit keeps appearing to me and helping me. I know not who he is, but his advice is always good and I hope he gives it more often.

My other goal is to learn who I am. I must come to know what has happened before, what occurred before the last version of the universe ended. I feel I shall never fully be myself until I know myself fully. There are many questions that need to be answered. Why am I a ward? why did I choose this path and what does it even mean to be a ward? (Though this last one I feel I know innately) Who is Lenore and why am I her ward? Who is James and why do I feel so strongly in helping him? People call me a demon and him an angel, so why should we two fight for the same thing? And most important of all, is there a clue in the past that will allow us all to finally have a moment of peace?

That is in essence me. I am driven to learn myself, to discover what my purpose is and who I was. Yet whatever I was before, I am now different because I feel that now I am defined by those around me. Lenore, James, Donegail, Aurelius, all of my companions and friends have become the reason I live for right now, for I have nothing else.

–Elan