Deep Fried Puppies

So let us begin, as we should, with my beginning. My roots. My heritage. DC for the win, baby. You see that comment about inclement weather? A single snowflake ten miles away is enough for the madness to set in, Jonesy.

As should be no surprise, I got the hell away from my roots. You can die up there.

But anyway, I digress. I do that a lot. You may have noticed. So I bought a motorcycle. It’s an old beater, but a lot of fun to ride. The price was right (cheap) and the thing runs. I put a hundred odd miles on it without undue smoke or smells and figured it was worth while. Now Mandrake, my car, is one of my prized possessions, so I started thinking about how riding the two differ.

Both have manual transmissions, but shifting the bike isn’t quite the same as shifting the WRX. You need to give the bike a lot more gas, and make sure it’s got some ass behind it. In addition the thing revs a lot higher, so my usual tendencies to keep RPMs low doesn’t work. When someone learns to drive stick a lot of times they won’t give it enough gas. They are, but they’re giving it a constant amount of gas and you need to vary the throttle as you shift. The throttle curve is different for the bike, different enough that my reflexes are off.

Not quite as intrusive but more obvious is the difference in exposure. A car is like a little house. You’ve got walls, windows, doors, and no one can directly come in. That’s not true, of course, but that’s the way it feels. I’ve stalled out in my car and not really cared because it felt like I was in private. On the bike that’s different. On that thing you get the impression people are watching you and wondering what the hell you’re doing. On the other hand, it’s a lot easier to appreciate the scenery as you drive. The wind is nice. Very different sensations.

The safety thing hasn’t become an issue yet, and I’d like to keep it that way with both. Internal air conditioning is wonderful though. In and of itself the AC is the reason my bike will never replace my car. Music is also an issue. Really, the car is unbeatable on every form of luxury. The bike does get better gas mileage, and it is fun to fill up for $6. Basically though, riding the bike is an end, in and of itself, while in almost all situations, driving somewhere is simply a form of transport. Thus while driving is probably superior on most grounds, it’s also not an activity. Not until I get to a racetrack or head up independence pass again. I think I’ll go do that on two wheels and see how it works.

This makes me want to ride a horse for the sake of comparison, but every place I’ve looked at all they offer is riding in little circles for a few months. Boring. Jousting or GTFO.

I meant to put this up earlier, but didn’t get around to it. Here are some more of his creations, though most of the descriptions are in Russian. Neat way to think about and see history.

Do you ever want to put up a facebook status update of something like ‘goat sex’ or ’strangling puppies’ just to see who likes it?

If you’re interested in the movie, there is a simple task you should probably complete first. Go to Youtube and watch a trailer. If you liked that trailer and want almost two more hours of that, watch the movie. If not, go watch Twilight or something you bleeding fairy.

“What’s he doing?”

“Hanging a pirate.”

“Gunnar, what are you doing?”

“Hanging a pirate.”

And done. It was the first scene, so I’m not exactly spoiling anything here. But that sort of set the tone for the rest of the movie. Huge, hilariously over the top fight action sequences filled with the EOD jump (That’s where you survive an explosion by jumping just as the shockwave hits you. It works. Really. But only if you’re screaming something macho.) and absurdly Freudian guns fill this movie. At the end of it I was laughing so hard my cheeks hurt, and I loved the movie. It is like Shoot ‘Em Up, only a little less silly.

You’ve got a bunch of dudes. They shoot people. There is a female cast member, but her job is to motivate the bunch of dudes to shoot more people. These dudes are so over-the-top that the cloud of macho eclipses the tropical sun, setting the final fight at night. It is hilarious. The dialogue directly and indirectly lampoons itself, while at the same time providing perfectly functional transition from scene to scene. Functional in that you know why you’re there, and it sure isn’t to hear philosophy.

Like Kill Bill, I thought the Expendables was both a spoof and homage to the source material. In case there’s any doubt, that source material is ’80s action flicks. It does an excellent job of telling the audience that yes, it knows how silly it is. If you have a problem with that, this is not the movie for you. But if you like lunacy by caliber, it delivers. There are a number of things in the movie that they could have done for maximum awesome, and they hit most of them. For example, Randy Couture, one of the UFC’s greatest stars, is in it. So too is Steve Austin. They are on opposing sides. The fight happens. It is awesome. When everything was finished, I wanted two hours more stupid. I hope they make a sequel, but I’m worried they might take it seriously, which would ruin all the fun.

Ultimately, the movie delivers exactly what it promises, and nothing more. Well, there might have been something more, but it blew up halfway through. If you want stupid ’80s action done with modern special effects and techniques, this is exactly that. If you want anything else, you have come to the wrong place. In conclusion, on a scale of the Punisher to Predator, I give it a .45 ACP. That’s on fire and explodes.

Two thumbs up. Unreservedly a badass movie of excellent action with a startlingly intelligent storyline. The chick got pretty creepy as well, especially as things built towards the conclusion.

Normally you get these action flicks which the doubt conflict where in the primary conflict is decent, but some internal conflict of the main character is cobbled onto it so the movie can pretend to have characterization and depth. It rarely works, mostly because there is no mechanical connection between the two storylines. Inception avoided that fairly well. Definitely worth watching. The climax was also an excellent piece of cinematography.