Deep Fried Puppies

Bad Day

Our Cosplay. 

Just, sweet Jesus, we need to keep in mind we cannot be our favorite characters.  Mia as Cammy, I don’t care how much running you’re doing, I don’t want to see you in that thong.  Google image “Baltimore Cammy Cosplay”–Edy saw her I think–leave that blonde in blue to do the job.

So Mrs Stubborne–who can do better than “Mrs Stubborne” on this board, but “Wonderboobies,” “Massive Attack” (in a GOOD kinda massive attack way), or “Moose Killer” (yes that was for you, Mia) ain’t the best nicks for her–created a new facebook profile for herself and all her cosplay endeavors (going to the cons in, like, costume).  You can find her out there.  I know Sym has already friended her.  So she wants me to do a cosplay event with her.  With my flockin luck, every burrito-er would see it, and as these fellas have the sense of humor of a chaste porn star (what’s left to laugh over at that point…and I tried google imaging “actress diagnosed with aids” to create a link worth a laugh, but only got pictures of Angelina.  Don’t tell Brad).

I did, however, think about what I would do.  I mean we all enjoy Halloween, so why not?  Nothing wrong with asking the question.  And as I has this forum to ask the question, what could we do with my wife if the 4 of us got to the grindstone?

The answer is: wake the fuck up Stubborne, the sun is getting to you.

HOWEVER.  Point at hand, I’d figure if we had to do a team, I would want to do a more recent group: the Uncanny X-Force.  Let me explain.  Basically Logan got pissed off, and organized a few murderers to go out with him and kill threats to mutantkind.  What you have is a small team, equal face time for each individual, that the X-Men have no idea work together, that no-shit kill, like, threats to mutantkind.  Apocalypse comes back (I dunno, 4th resurrection) as a kid.  Bam–shot in the head.  Some guy tries to kill 4 out of the 5 guys, he gets his head hacked off.  The bad guys send an army of lackeys, they get murdered.  Shadow King mind-controls an army base’s worth of soldiers, one dude has his hands on a key to a nuke (I ALREADY KNOW WHERE THE JOKE IS GOING, CRIT FAIL, OOPSIE THE BOMB GOES OFF RIGHT THUR, I STILL TOOK YOU ALL OUT WITH ME), and is torn in half before he can set it off.  And these guys don’t shrug off their killing.  It sticks with them.  They do what they have to do, but they grieve in private for some of the horrible things they end up doing. 

So hypothetically…you have Lucid as Psylocke.  As the only one of us with attractive tits, this plays itself out.  Logan, from what I gather Edereth has always been a fan, and has more body hair than any of us, so he logically is the best decision.  From there we have Archangel (those wings will be a bitch), Deadpool (who needs to wear the exact same costume he usually wears, except white…same as Logan), and Fantomex (who was already in white, dude to Logan’s immediate right between him and Archangel).  Fantomex was created in the early 2000s, basically is psychic, has a healing factor, shoots guns, and speaks with a fake french accent.  And steals a lot. and is morally ambiguous.  And…faux french.

Now, NOTHING is stopping Simbelyn being whatever he wants to do.  D and F have masks on.  A is blue, so there’s some paint involved there.  Am I racist?  You all know the answer.  Being called the n-word is the biggest compliment you can give me.  So no.  I’m thinking Archangel, but really–if in costume as Deadpool, you just need to get real drunk beforehand, and shake lotsa hands, and be an attention whore.  And attack people with, like, old pizza and forks.  Fantomex is the pretentious frenchie who likes pistols (real guns, not like the fake 90s era comic book What-the-frig-BFG4000-types).  So, Mia, this way you can work on that anti-picture thing you’re working out, by like, posing for pictures.  Granted you’ll be in a head-to-toe costume, but hey, you’re still there.  Whoever is left over, I’ll tackle.  Well, preferably one of the two in the masks.

Then you go pose for a dozen pictures, get free crap cuz people appreciate costumes at a con…and uh…uh…well shit, I don’t know what else from there. 

…no really, I have no idea.  Running around in costume all day and chasing the Justice League pansies.

…nevermind.  We need to make another band.

When you’re wounded and lying in Afghanistan’s plains / And the locals come out to carve what remains / Just roll to your rifle and blow out your brains, / And go to your God like a soldier!  ~Kipling

Things that keep me in perspective with my time out here in the Tragic Kingdom…well, for one, I yam not on the front of the frontlines.  Not that that location was ever my intent.  I grew up in this burrito barn, heard how my father introduce diced onions, salsa, AND black beans to this market–when nobody had considered those possibilities in over the 30 years an entire job had existed–and now see how commonplace what he built is to the modern Burrito Acolyte.  Other than a year of college spent dating the wrong woman–and you all remember that year, I was distracted, a joke, nowhere near the fried quesadilla shell I am today, rather the lone nacho that has had diced tomato and sour cream saturate it over the course of your entire meal–I’ve wanted to be here since I was 12.  So I don’t lose sleep over not being the best and baddest, although I have utmost respect for those that do.  I still contribute to saving lives, and sweet Tolkien, that’s irreplacable.  But I don’t have the steel gonads/death wish that those who play with mass explosives do, or those that rush into buildings and have to be more paranoid of a ridiculously-strict ROE than the flocking vermin they’re hunting.  Can’t appreciate those guys enough.

I haven’t watched The Hurt Locker, but I have it on my external.  That dude goes on to be Hawkeye, who will not only be in the Avengers movie (which should not suck, but neither should the X-Men movies, and the last half have made me want to f*!$ a blender to take my mind off of the abortion that played out in front of me) but will also be cameo-ing the part in the Thor movie (this is the summer of, like, 5 flockin comic movies–come on God, cut me some slack).  So what kind of a comic book fan (I have to think of a funnier nick for that, some kind of CBF moniker) would I be to not completely immerse myself in such?

Speaking of which, if I haven’t said it in the past few months–I am ready to give each of you a kidney for that Avengers #4.  Thank you again.  God damn, you want to talk about owning some history.  Don’t ask me where the kidney will come from, but they’ll be ready, just shut up and take it.

Being a shift manager at the burrito barn, I have my other two fellow managers, our district manager, and our regional.  My shift is 6 guys, a third of them have been demoted within the past year (unfortunate, but no hair off my ass, their evals are much less complicated to write now!).  But I watch out for my guys where I can, the best I can offer right now is a gold star on an eval, and keeping strangers that want to exert influence away from them.  This place has really taught me I have a spine down there.  Right now we have the night shift.  I could shit in a taco and nobody would notice.  Nothing happens.  Of the other two fellow managers, one is a rock star who just came from the graduate level school (as a teacher) and is on deployment number three.  The other one is a rock, dragging us down to the bottom of the community.  We do what we can to circumvent his influence, the nice thing I thank God and Stan over is that everyone believes us.  When the rock star had to go to another unit to unf…unfuu….unfester their performance, I took his hours, the day shift.  I did more for the Burrito Barn Family in one day than I had my entire 8 months in that other sandbox and the month I had in this one.  It was ridiculous.  It was amazing.  And when rock star returned, he let me stay on his shift an extra week, bragging to district and region managers “Stub’s in his stride, I got nothing to prove, he has plenty and he’s eager–leave him be.”  That was the most unselfish thing anyone has done for me in a sandbox, and something I’ll never forget.  So after some time I handed him back his hours–I got to burrito the hell out of this strip mall, let me tell you–and I’m back crapping into tacos for 8 hours a night.  Now, little rock (as he’s 5′5″ roughly) is an overcompensating…well, I won’t get into it, needless to say personally and professionally I don’t have much kind to say about him.  But as he and rock star have selection boards for district manager this summer, he needs a busier shift.  While I’m not sure about the logic (if you suck at the job, you shouldn’t be making decisions affecting lives, go deficate in cornbread) when he was the only one of the three managers identified by OUTSIDE agencies–before we opened our store–as a problem…I shut up and color.  In a month all crews shift.  We’ll shift one more time before we return home, so this really is the most calm my deployment will be.  I’ll take it as a blessing.

Have taken to running almost daily.  The goal is 30 minutes on a treadmill.  I’ve dropped 10 lbs of beer–all of which I miss, but it was for the best.  My time has improved, my endurance feels reinvigorated, I have every goal to hit 4 miles in 30 minutes.  5 miles in 30 minutes will be a stretch.  But I have a few more months out here to get back to a good standard.

That’s the thing about puppies.  You spend so much time running after them in small areas, and cleaning up after them, and babysitting them, that expletive-all if you want to actually run at the end of the day.  They’re amazing, stupid-but-loyal animals, but they make you…sigh…grow up.  Peter Pan never had a dog.  That’s why he remained a bitch the rest of his life.

If I had a gun with four bullets and was locked in a closet with Hitler, Mussolini, you-know-who, and Michael Vick, I’d shoot Vick four times.  Then run him over with a vehicle.  Regretfully, as much as I try to grow up and set the example as a good shift manager, I am still childish with my anger.

Yes, I know I have been absent from here for months (I know you all are really heartbroken about it), but I’ve been busy. That’s what happens when you take on a side project that then goes to shit. But I digress.

This is so funny, I had to take the time to post it.

And in case the craigslist posting is removed, here’s a screenshot of it.